


Make it Real in my Mind

by dizzy



Series: Trip and Stumble [4]
Category: Glee RPF, StarKid Productions RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 17:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris has a few issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make it Real in my Mind

**Author's Note:**

> I offer all of my gratitude to ssecca01 and savvymavvy, both of whom would be entirely within reason to totally block me from spamming their inboxes with fic daily.

The first time Chris actually sees Darren act, he’s floored. He’s only sat in on one rehearsal and that had been literally the day they’d gotten together, so he can’t really process anything of the performance he’d seen then. He’s not even sure what that rehearsal had been _for_. 

Now he’s in the loop on everything. He knows that Darren got the part he wanted, he knows how hard he worked on his audition, and he knows how much Darren is putting into this - how much he puts into everything. 

Now he can’t tear his eyes away. 

Darren is good. In a split second he manages to reign in the hectic energy of his personality, smooth his face into something perfectly composed, alter the pitch of his voice and his posture. Darren disappears and in his place is someone completely new. 

Which should make it easier to see Darren in a scene of slow seduction with a really attractive woman, but despite outward appearances Chris still knows that it’s Darren underneath it all. He’s seen the script and even read lines with Darren, night after night until Darren had them down cold. Chris can practically recite word for word along with her and he knows everything on the page so what they’re doing isn’t a surprise to his mind, just to the rest of him that goes numb and then abruptly ill at what he’s watching. 

The scene ends and they slip back into place to start it over again. 

Chris watches more than listens this time; he sees Darren’s hands stroking over her arms, sees that coy little smile on Darren’s face when he leans in as she teases a kiss, sees him backing her against the set piece and looking at her with that burning in his eyes, like he just wants to eat her alive. 

_That_ is familiar, that’s something Chris recognizes with startling clarity. That’s how Darren looks at _him_ two seconds before Chris makes him come, that look in his eyes like Chris is an answer to every dirty wish he’s ever made. It’s still new enough that every time he manages to coax that side out of Darren it feels like something new and insanely hot and makes him feel special and wanted. Chris’s teeth gnaw at his bottom lip in sudden worry. 

Why exactly had he thought he’d be perfectly okay with watching this? What had lead him down that horribly wrong path of assumption? Because he’s seen the whole script, he knows that this is just the prelude. It’s a gritty, realistic, sexual story they’re telling on stage. It’s going to get worse. Darren is going to - to do things. Kiss her, touch her. 

Chris is going to essentially watch his bisexual boyfriend dry hump a girl on stage and that suddenly seems million different kinds of not okay. 

* 

Chris likes Devin. He hasn’t spent a whole lot of time around her, but she’s nice. He has nothing against her - well, had nothing against her. 

Now, he can’t help but run a little cold when he pictures her face because he happens to be picturing it in close proximity to Darren’s. 

He reminds himself that Darren is an actor. Darren will, throughout his entire career, have to kiss people on stage. If, in the past, Darren has prolonged that on-stage connection... well, he was single, there was nothing wrong with it. 

Chris has no reason not to trust Darren. He’s not about to start making off-the-wall accusations when he knows that it’s really just his own insecurity at play. He just reminds himself of the things that he does know: Darren wants him, no matter how incomprehensible that might be to Chris, and it’s Chris that Darren is dating. 

They’re walking back from the rehearsal. There’s light snow on the ground and Chris shivers, like his body hadn’t even realized it was that cold until his eyes reminded him. It’s almost the end of January and he’s looking forward to spring. The snow is beautiful, but he’s tired of being cold. 

“What’s wrong?” Darren asks him, giving him a sidelong glance. “And don’t say nothing. I see your falsehoods, Christopher.” 

Chris smiles a little. “Hmm, you think you know me that well, do you?” 

Darren leans over and kisses his cheek. It’s a brief hint of warmth on otherwise icy skin. “I think I want to.” 

“It really is nothing, though. Something’s bothering me but I don’t think talking about it would help. I just want to curl up someplace warm and... not think,” Chris says. 

Darren pulls one of his gloves off and finds Chris’s hand, linking their fingers together in the warmth of Chris’s jacket pocket. “Stay over tonight.” 

It’s only been a few weeks since they’ve been back in the same state, but after the brief cohabitation before Christmas it’s becoming harder and harder to not want to be together every night. Justin flat out refuses to give Chris permission for dorm sleepovers when he’s there, and since the break ended he’s been unfortunately present more often than not. Joey is a little nicer about it, and that’s exactly why they don’t want to take advantage to the point that he gets less understanding. 

Still, tonight, Chris thinks, that’s exactly what he needs. He leans his shoulder against Darren’s and squeezes his fingers. “Yeah. That’d be good, I think.” 

* 

After meeting with his advisor and the course professor, Chris signs up for a playwriting class in addition to the movement class he’s taking with Darren and a few of their friends, mostly the people he’d met in the theater class the previous semester. 

Chris has always considered writing and acting equal passions, but when he thought in terms of a career it seemed so impossible to think that there were roles out there in plays or television shows or movies just waiting for him. Acting was just something he did to escape, to push the boundaries he saw in place around him. When he was still in school, or just part of the community theater in Clovis, it wasn’t like it really _mattered_. The purpose it served was to give him something to do. It wasn’t a career, because it couldn’t be. 

His high school drama teacher used to tell him he’s ‘a very specific type.’

But when he’d said that to Darren a few nights ago, Darren had just laughed and said it was bullshit and Chris can be whatever he wants to be, because that’s what acting is. Chris isn’t entirely sure he can put his trust in that, but he doesn’t see how trying hurts anything but his own pride if it gets bruised during the fall into failure. 

(Then he’d told Chris that his specific type was sexy, and offered a hands-on demonstration that really was, in the end, quite convincing.)

Matt is in the playwriting class with him, and they get together over lunch one day to talk about working on a script together. Matt has a lot of great ideas for parodies, and he shows Chris a few of the ones that the group has already put on. Chris makes him promise to email a copy of the Jurassic Park one, loving the bit that Matt lets him read that day.

“I’m thinking Harry Potter for sure,” Matt says.”It’ll be stupid, but fun.” 

“A Harry Potter parody?” 

“A musical,” Matt corrects him, obviously excited about it. Matt is one of the quietest in the whole group, but he’s sort of like Chris in that it doesn’t take a lot to get him talking when they’re one on one. Especially not about things he’s passionate about. “Something goofy but like, an homage. Maybe mix up the stories and just take what is most funny about each book and mash them together.” 

It turns out they’re both passionate about writing and Harry Potter. 

“I bet Darren could write some of the music,” Chris muses. “He turns everything into a song anyway.” 

“He told you about the Lord of the Rings one we did, right?” Matt asks. “It was great. We actually used puppets in that one.” 

“That is so cool.” Chris shakes his head. “You guys are more creative than me. Though I did write a genderflipped Sweeney Todd once... mostly because I wanted to sing the Mrs. Lovett songs and they wouldn’t let me otherwise.” 

“Hey, that’s not bad, though,” Matt says, laughing. “You got what you wanted.” 

“I had to build all the sets myself, write it, and direct it... but I sure did.” Chris grins. “It was a learning experience.” 

“Isn’t life?” Matt lifts an eyebrow. “Hey, that was eloquent, I should write that down. Anyway, casting it will be fun. Lauren already threatened my life if I didn’t give her a funny part in whatever we do next.”

“And I would take that threat seriously,” Chris says.

“Oh, I do, trust me. I just hope she and Dylan are talking again after whatever happened between the two of them, because I already know I want him as Dumbledore. He’d be perfect.” 

“Something happened between them?” Chris asks. 

Matt shrugs and laughs. “Something is always happening between someone with this group. People get drunk, one thing leads to another. We’re kind of an incestuous bunch. Or, they are. I just try to stay away from the drama... literally. I’ll stay behind the scenes.” 

One thing leads to another. Chris tries very hard not to think of who Darren might have... no. He sits up straighter and definitely takes a bite of his apple. He won’t go there. He won’t do that to himself, because it doesn’t matter. 

They spend close to another half hour jotting down notes and passing ideas back and forth, until Chris has to leave for his next class. 

*

Chris doesn’t go to any more of Darren’s rehearsals. 

He doesn’t give Darren a reason because he doesn’t want to lie. He just says he can’t make it, and they make plans to meet up afterward. 

He thinks maybe Darren knows something is up, but Chris is determined to handle this on his own. He doesn’t want Darren to ever regret dating someone with absolutely no relationship history, and he feels like feeling this way is a glaring sign toward his inexperience. 

But he can’t avoid it forever, because opening night is approaching. He’s not sure if it’ll be better or worse, but either way he’ll be there in the front row because Darren is pumped. He brandishes two tickets to Chris with glowing pride and says he can invite Ashley if he wants. 

*

It’s opening night, and Darren is flawless. 

Okay, the play itself isn’t flawless and neither is Darren. There are a few snafus with blocking and a couple of actors fumble on their lines (including Darren, but he recovers so well that almost no one notices), but all in all it’s more enjoyable than Chris would have thought. 

He’s not exactly thrilled over the part where he has to watch Darren shoving another person against the wall and sticking his tongue down their throat, but he deals with it because it’s not like he has any option other than dealing. 

It’s just acting. They’re just playing out parts on a script, and Chris can handle that. 

When the play is over he heads backstage with Joey and a couple of other people in the audience. He has a bouquet of lollipops shaped like flowers that he presents to Darren. 

“Well, _that's_ not an obvious reference to an oral fixation,” Joey comments, waggling his eyebrows at them. 

Darren plucks one of the suckers from the bouquet and unwraps it, popping it into his mouth as he slings an arm around Chris. 

*

There’s not an official after party, but as Chris learns, there’s always a party after. Darren’s apartment is overflowing with cast, crew, and significant others. The music is too loud, but the neighbors are invited so no one really cares until they start to hit the wee hours of the morning. 

Chris likes the parties, but he’s only just now realizing with how much regularity they are held. It’s not always Darren’s apartment, but it frequently is, and the apartment being a hub-like center of activity day in and day out cuts down even more on the chances of them getting any time alone. 

Still, there’s a reason for celebrating right now, and Chris is enjoying some people watching as he sips on his beer. Mostly Darren-watching. Darren is in prime social butterfly form, still hyped up from being on stage and the performance and the applause. 

Someone shoves a guitar into his hand at some point, and Chris finds a spot against a wall to sit and enjoy the music. He’s sort of out of the way, though every few minutes someone spots him and stops to say hi. A drunk girl whose name he can’t even remember eventually comes to sit by him, passing out after a few minutes. He arranges her into a sitting position and moves her legs so no one will trip over her and considers his good deed done. 

He hears uproarious laughter from across the room and without even looking knows Darren has to be at the heart of it. He gets to his feet already smiling, but the smile falls when he sees Darren on his knees crooning out _if you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on sugar, let me know_ up at Devin in an over the top way while he holds one of her hands. 

Devin is giggling and blushing and then winking down at him, saying something that makes everyone else around them laugh, and Chris has a sudden vivid picture in his mind’s eye of how they’d look together, naked and moving. It makes him feel sick. They’d be pretty.

He bumps into Meredith as he’s walking away. He can see her frowning at him, but he just shakes his head and escapes to the nearest place he can find, the double doors leading to the apartment’s tiny balcony. 

 

* 

Darren corners him not longer after that. “Hey, I just ran into Mer, she said you were out here... what’s up?” 

Chris shakes his head, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. He wishes Darren were drunk, but he knows Darren has only had a couple of beers. 

He’s entirely sober and not entirely stupid so it doesn’t surprise Chris when he catches on. “You’re mad at me.”

Chris wants to deny it, but he can’t. Well, he could, but Darren would know he was lying. He rubs his hand over his eyes and shrugs. “I am trying not to be.” 

“Tell me why?” Darren asks, confused and a little hurt. “Come on, at least give me that. Did I do something?” 

“Later?” Chris tries. “Just - go enjoy your party right now, okay?” 

“You really think I’d enjoy it knowing you’re pissed off at me?” Darren frowns. “Give me a little more credit than that.” 

“I’m not mad, okay? I’m just...” Wow, this conversations pretty much sucks to have. “I’m struggling, I guess.” 

“Struggling with _what_?” Darren steps forward, intent on getting to the bottom of this now. “You gotta talk to me.”

“I’m not - I can’t do this.” Chris feels his chest getting tight and his eyes burn and he wants to be anywhere but here. “Enjoy your party and I’m just, I’m going - I’m going back to my dorm. I just need sleep and... we’re fine, okay?” 

“The fuck we are.” Darren puts his beer down and crosses his arms, then immediately uncrosses them and lets them just hang at his sides. “You can’t do this? Chris, come on, you’re not - you’re not breaking up with me, are you?” 

“No!” Chris jerks his head up, eyes wide. “God, no, Darren. I just meant I can’t talk about this yet.” 

Darren is visibly relieved, but the relief doesn’t last long. “Then talk to me about something else. I don’t want it to be like that with us. I don’t want all this bullshit and not communicating. Whatever is wrong, I just want to fucking make it better.” 

“It’s hard for me to see you with girls.” Chris says quietly. “On stage, that was... hard to watch. And tonight, you were... you sang to her, and I just...” 

“I was just having fun, Chris.” Darren runs his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what to tell you. That didn’t mean anything.” 

“I know.” Chris blinks rapidly, trying to shove down emotions floating dangerously close to the surface. “That’s why I’m not mad at you.” 

“But this is still something we need to figure out.” Darren takes a deep breath. “This is like... a talk. This is a talk we need to have.” 

“We really don’t-” 

“No, we do, okay? Because there’s stuff I need to tell you, too.” 

“Stuff?” Chris’s voice goes small. “Like what?” 

Joe comes barreling around the corner. “Criss! Chris! Oh, hey, mindfuck, you’re both Chr-Criss. Anyway. Darren, your adoring crowd requests your musical stylings, come on. Otherwise Brian’s gonna sing, and you know-” 

“Brian can’t sing,” Darren finishes at the same time as Joe. “Give me like five minutes and I’ll be out.” 

Joe glances between them and then just says, “Okay. But I can’t promise Lauren isn’t gonna bust up in here if she thinks you guys are getting it on. She’s a kinky little spitfire.” 

Darren waits until Joe disappears back into the apartment and then steps closer to Chris. “Your nose is red. You must be freezing. Come here.” 

Chris steps into Darren’s arms, letting the warmth of Darren’s body envelope him. “I’m not mad at you,” he says again, hugging him. 

“We do need to talk, though.” Darren’s voice sounds sort of resigned and tired. “Stay over tonight? Please? I don’t want you to walk away from me tonight with this hanging over us.” 

Chris is really tired and really just wants to curl up in a quiet place and process things, because that’s how he deals - by himself. But he’s not in this by himself, and he owes Darren some compromise right now, so he nods. “Okay.” 

*

If Chris is too quiet for the rest of the night, people don’t seem to notice. Darren hangs close to him, but that isn’t out of the ordinary, either.

Around one he tells Darren that he’s tired and he’s going to get into bed. 

Darren bites on his lower lip and then nods. “Give me like twenty minutes, okay?” 

Chris shakes his head. “It’s your party. Have fun.” 

Darren pulls him in, arms snugly around Chris. “I’m not gonna have fun knowing you’re in there upset.” 

Chris smiles. He’s actually a little taller and bigger than Darren, but somehow when he’s being held like this he still feels like he’s all wrapped up in Darren. He puts a hand on Darren’s face and kisses him softly. “I’m okay, I promise.” 

“Pinky swear?” Darren asks, smiling a little. 

Chris reaches down and links their pinkies together. “Swear it.” 

He shuts the door to the bedroom and grabs a shirt of Darren’s out of his closet, borrowing a little more freely than he normally would. He knows Darren won’t care. He finds a worn high school band shirt that smells so perfectly like Darren when he brings it briefly to his face. The bed is even better, warm and unmade and inviting. 

He really is tired, and despite the gnawing of his own emotions in the pit of his stomach he slips into sleep easily. 

He wakes up a while later when Darren gets into bed beside him. Darren likes to sleep closer to the wall so he climbs over Chris and then cuddles up behind him. “I get to be the big spoon,” he whispers, smiling. 

Chris smiles back, only half awake. “You’re good at it.” 

“Well, I’m glad you think so.” Darren presses cold toes against Chris’s shins, but his hand is warm when he slides it under the t-shirt to rest low on Chris’s stomach. “I might put it on my resume.” 

“Mmm,” Chris sighs out an agreement. He feels Darren’s forehead touch his shoulder. “Have fun?” 

“More fun with you,” Darren says, 

*

Darren is staring at him when Chris wakes up. 

He rolls onto his stomach and hides his face in the pillow. “Oh my God, that is creepy, stop.” 

His voice is rough from sleep. Darren laughs and rubs a hand up Chris’s back, thumb circling hard over a knot. 

Chris groans, slumping down at the nice touch. 

“Like that?” Darren murmurs. 

Chris nods. 

Darren lifts up and straddles him, both hands under Chris’s t-shirt to give him a proper back rub. Chris almost falls back asleep, soaking in the touch. He’s never had a back rub from a guy before, or from anyone, really. 

“Better watch out or I could get used to this,” Chris says, turning his head to the side so his words aren’t muffled. 

“I will give you a back rub whenever you fucking want, Chris.” Darren’s voice is rumbly and deep and makes Chris shiver for an entirely different reason. There’s a damp press to the small of his back and then wetter, hotter. Darren is licking him, licking up the line of his spine. 

Chris breathes in deep and then grinds down against the mattress. “Where’s Joey?” 

“Already left.” Darren kisses lower, pushing down on the waistband of Chris’s pajama pants and underwear at the same time, lips just brushing the swell of his ass. Then he lets both snap back into place and sits up. “But I don’t want to have sex right now. We need to talk first.”

Chris sighs, turning his face back into the pillow. Darren’s hands resume rubbing his shoulders. “Can we just forget last night?” 

“No,” Darren says, rolling off of him. “Get dressed, okay? I want to take you out for breakfast.” 

*

An hour later, Chris is showered and dressed in his own jeans and a borrowed shirt that stretches just a little too tightly over his shoulders, sitting across from Darren at a coffee shop. 

It’s not his coffee shop, not the one on campus. It’s a blocks off campus, with teal walls and purple art and indie music playing. Chris sips his drink and watches Darren steadily play with a shaker of nutmeg. 

He’s pretty sure Darren will just sit here in silence until Chris is ready to talk, but the threat of impending awkwardness in those minutes is the very thing that drives him to open his mouth. “It was hard seeing you kiss her on stage.” 

Darren nods slowly. “Yeah. I get that. But you know it’s just acting, right?” 

“I know.” Chris is mortified by his own emotional state, wanting to shy away from himself at the moment. He tries to work through the thoughts and threads of emotion as cleanly as he can. “I trust you. It’s not like I think there’s anything going on. But I still didn’t like seeing it.” 

“Okay. Then I have... I’ve got a couple of things to say.” Darren’s fingers flex on the table, and he stares down before looking up to meet Chris’s stare. “Devin and I did hook up once. We didn’t have sex, but some stuff happened. It was just one night. I didn’t want to date her, she didn’t want to date me, it wasn’t about feelings. We were just having fun. I’ve only dated one other person since I started college, and that only lasted a couple of months. But I have had lots of... uh. Fun. I’ve had sex with some people. I’ve done other stuff. I won’t lie to you, there are gonna be people around, that I see, that we might both see, that I’ve...”

“Yeah.” Chris cuts him off, not needing it drawn out. He’s already having a hard enough time trying to act like his heart isn’t in this throat right now. 

Darren doesn’t really buy it. “Yeah. If you want to know who, like if we just run into someone, I can tell you that. I don’t mind telling you. If you’d rather not know... I’m cool with that, too.” 

“I don’t know,” Chris says. “Darren, I know you’ve had... you’ve been with a lot of people. I don’t have unrealistic expectations about that. I’ve just never been in this situation before.” 

Darren nods. “I know. I get it, I do. I kind of wish I could just like... poof, make it disappear, put us on even ground, here. I’ve been jealous before. It’s a shitty feeling, and sometimes you can’t do anything about it.” 

“You said two things. Was that it?” Chris asks. “Or is there more.” 

“Oh. Oh, right. Yeah.” Darren nods to himself. “So, a few weeks ago - New Year’s Eve, when I called you? Just before that, that night, some girl kissed me.” 

Chris feels suddenly, violently nauseous. He pushes his too-sugary coffee drink away. “Oh.”

Darren grabs his hand. “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, and then I just - I started to think it didn’t matter, I didn’t even really need to tell you. Because it doesn’t matter to me, but I get that it might to you, and I don’t want to just bury the hard stuff because it sucks to talk about. So that’s it, the whole story. I didn’t kiss her. Nothing happened. I told her I wasn’t available. I left, and I called you, and wasn’t that a good night?”

“It was.” Chris knows he should be relieved but now he can’t get the picture of some girl waltzing right in and whisking Darren away. How long is he gonna be happy with Chris? How long until he starts to want other things? “I think I need to go.” 

The panic is obvious on Darren’s face. “Chris, no, fuck, don’t - don’t go.” 

Chris is already grabbing his jacket. He grabs his mostly-full drink and drops it into the trash, walking outside. Darren follows right behind him, matching Chris’s even, measured steps with slightly hastier ones. “Chris!” 

“I just need time to think, okay? I understand that this... these feelings are mine to deal with, but-” 

“No, they’re not.” Darren interrupts him. “We’re together, right? That means you don’t deal with shit alone, we do it _together ___when it has to do with both of us. You are... you’re so fucking smart, but I get you, okay? I’ve watched you just talk yourself right out of things. Don’t do that with us. Don’t be afraid to just explode when you need to explode, let it all out. Get pissed at me, yell at me, then come back and talk to me. As long as you’re doing it _with me_ and not just shutting me out.” 

Chris is shaking by the time Darren finishes his speech. “Okay. Okay, but. I do need some time alone. Just give me today, okay? And I promise I’ll come find you.” 

Darren runs his fingers through his hair, visibly agitated by Chris’s refusal but likely knowing there’s nothing he can really do about it. “You promise?” 

Chris smiles shakily and holds his hand out. “Pinky swear.” 

“Okay.” Darren looks like he almost wants to laugh as he reaches out and hooks his finger through Chris’s, but he doesn’t. 

*

He goes back to his dorm. 

Justin is stretched out on his bed with his laptop out, surprised to see him. Now Chris is the one that’s barely ever there. 

Chris doesn’t stay long. He’s restless, and he meant what he told Darren. He wants to be alone, well and truly alone. 

He goes to the library and finds a book to lose himself in, something plucked off of the shelf at random. It’s history. He loves history. He loves learning the stories of people that lived a long time ago, lived entirely different lives. 

It’s long past lunch time when he leaves. He doesn’t feel better, but he at least feels calmer. 

He’s ready to talk, just not to Darren. 

He calls Lauren instead, and she’s on campus so she agrees to meet him. She’s closer to the sandwich shop than he is, so when he gets there she’s already seated at a small booth. 

“Hey there, honeybunch.” She crunches down on a chip and smiles at him. “Gonna get food?” 

“No... maybe later.” He’s not particularly hungry, at least not every time he thinks about Darren. “I just needed someone to talk to.” 

She frowns. “Everything okay?” 

“Not really.” He sighs and rests his chin on his upturned palm, elbow on the table. “I think Darren and I are having our first fight, and it’s entirely my fault.”

“Aw, kitten. I’m sure it’s not that bad. And I’m sure it’s really Darren’s fault. It’s okay to blame him. We all do it.” She jokes, but when Chris doesn’t laugh, the humor fades into a genuinely fond smile. “Okay, what happened?”

“I got upset watching him on stage. He wanted to talk about it, so we talked, and then he told me that he kissed some girl on New Year’s Eve. Or she kissed him, I guess, but I don’t know how that matters.”

“Doesn’t it?” Lauren points out. “I could plant one on you right now and that wouldn’t make you a willing participant.” 

“I guess.” Chris shrugs. 

“Okay, I’ve known Darren for a couple of years now, and I can say a few things with absolute certainty. He’s not a liar. He might be stupid sometimes, but he always lets you know exactly what he’s feeling. Even when you don’t want to know. Even when you ask him to stop.” She’s still trying to lighten the conversation and make him smile, but it isn’t working. She reaches out and puts her hand over his where it rests on the table. “I have never seen Darren as serious about wanting to be with someone as he is with you, Chris. I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about.” 

“So he and Devin weren’t...” Chris knows what Darren had said, and it’s not that he disbelieves it so much as he just really wants to hear it from someone else. 

“No. Whatever happened between them wasn’t anything. I mean, I don’t know exactly what they did, I can’t give you the nitty gritty details, but he never had a thing for her.” Lauren’s voice is confident and reassuring. “Darren is a great guy. He’s so full of talent and he has so much heart and I love seeing him happy with someone. I love seeing him happy with you.” 

“I just don’t know how to deal with it,” Chris admits. “How do I face all these people that he’s been with before me?” 

Lauren halfway smiles and shrugs. “I don’t know. That’s one of those really shitty things in life. No one likes to share their toys. Especially not that one super favorite toy. But you just learn to have faith in what you know, and not let the rest get to you. Do you trust him?”

The impulse is to say yes without thought, but Chris forces honesty above instinct. “I don’t know if I know how to trust anyone.” 

“Oh, baby.” Lauren squeezes his hand. Her fingers are soft, small and dainty, not what he’s used to at all. “You will learn, and I would bet anything Darren will be a pretty good teacher if you give him the chance.” 

*

Chris asks Justin if he can have the dorm for a few hours. 

Justin says sure, he’s got plans anyway, and he’ll text when he’s on his way back. 

For another half hour, Chris writes. He pours thoughts and feelings and conflict and resolution into words on a computer screen and when he’s done he feels drained and empty and ready to talk. 

Darren answers almost immediately. “Chris, hey.” 

“Can you come over? Are you busy?” 

“Yeah, but- no, I mean. I can be there. Give me like ten minutes to reschedule this.” Darren covers the speaker of his phone as Chris is protesting. “Okay, I’m free.” 

“You didn’t have to cancel-” 

“It’s just a voice lesson, it’s cool.” Darren insists. “I’ll be there in like, twenty minutes.” 

He makes it in fifteen, slightly breathless and rubbing his hands together as he drops his backpack on Chris’s floor. 

Chris sits on the edge of the bed. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” Darren parrots back at him. He shrugs out of his thick jacket and puts it across the desk chair on Chris’s side of the room. He stands there in front of the bed and looks at the spot beside Chris on the bed. “Can I...” 

“What?” Chris realizes what he means. “Oh, of course.” 

He still scoots over a little to put some space between them when Darren sits down. 

Darren reaches for his hand. “Okay, so I want you to just lay it all on the line, okay?” 

“I don’t know how,” Chris whispers, looking away even as he grips Darren’s hand a little more tightly. “I’m sorry, I know I’m so-” 

“Hey, no. No apologies.” Darren’s voice is firm. “Okay, can you just go with me on this for a minute?” 

Chris looks at him and nods. “Okay.” 

“Get up. Take your pants off. Now lay on the bed. On your side, yeah. Under the covers. We’re gonna get our spoon on, okay? Big or little?” 

“Little,” Chris says. He likes it both ways, but right now he feels like being held. Maybe it’s the idea of how wrong this could go, or the inkling in the back of his mind all day that soon Darren will decide this is too much trouble. 

Darren strips down to his t-shirt and boxers and crawls into bed with Chris. He gets his arms secure around him and Chris can’t help but melt back into the feeling. He digs his fingers into the solid muscle of Darren’s arm, feeling the hair roughened skin tickle against his palm. 

He feels like crying, like something is clawing out of his chest. 

“I gotcha,” Darren says. “Now talk to me, okay?”

“I don’t know how.” Chris says, feeling like as much of a failure over that as everything else. 

“It’s just me. Me and you, right here, and Chris, there is nothing you can say that’s gonna make me walk away, that’s how in this I am.” Darren’s voice is soothing in his ear, a balm against his aching mind. “I got you.” 

“I don’t like that you’ve been with other people. I don’t like that I can’t really compare.” Chris speaks shakily. Darren is already tensing, like he wants to argue but he keeps himself quiet. “And you might get tired of me and miss being with girls.” 

Darren does interrupt there. “It’s not about the accessories, Chris. It’s about the whole package. And I like _your_ package.” 

Chris laughs just a little. 

“See? That’s a good sound. Keep going, though. Keep talking to me.” 

“I didn’t like seeing you flirt with her at the party. On stage I could tell myself it was just... acting. But when I saw you singing to her...” 

“Okay. And that was my bad, maybe. I can’t promise you I’m going to stop flirting with other people completely, but I get you being upset over that. I told you when we got together, sometimes I miss things. Sometimes you have to just-” 

“Beat you over the head,” Chris says, smiling. “I remember.” 

Darren kisses his shoulder. “Exactly.” 

“I know you’ll still flirt,” Chris says. “I know it’s just part of your personality. But I just...” 

“I might flirt, but you’re the only one I want to be this close to,” Darren says, tucking in a little closer. “You’re the only one I want to be with. And as far as thinking you don’t compare, fuck... I wish you knew how I see you. You’d get it then. No one else compares to _you_.” 

Chris feels overwhelmed for an entirely different reason hearing that. 

“I don’t understand why.” Chris hugs Darren’s arm to him, pressing back against him. “I’ve never been that person for anyone. That person that... someone else wants around.” 

He knows he’s understating it. What he says doesn’t even begin to touch how he feels, but somehow, Darren still gets it. 

“I know,” he says, softly. “This is new ground for both of us. You think you don’t scare the ever loving fuck out of me, Chris? This thing between me and you is big for me, too. I’ve been a wreck all day long thinking you were just gonna end it, because I fucked up when I didn’t even know I was fucking up. And you’re just like... when you get like that, I can’t read you, and that’s scary. That’s terrifying. I don’t have any clue what you’re thinking or what you’re gonna do, and you don’t let me in.” 

“I’m trying.” Chris blinks hard against the dampness making his vision swim. 

“I want you to trust me. I want to do what it takes to be the guy you trust.” Darren’s breath is warm against the back of his neck with every word he speaks. “With everything. Not just as far as cheating goes, but... the whole big picture trust thing.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be easy,” Chris says. He lets his hand slide down Darren’s arm to wrap around his wrist. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he rushes to add on. “I just... I don’t know how.” 

“Okay. That’s okay. Just gives me a challenge. New goal in life: find out how many licks it takes to get to that gooey Chris center.” The smile is obvious in Darren’s voice. “That work for you?” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Chris says. 

“Good. Now turn over, because I really want to kiss you right now.” Darren’s voice is rougher than before, betraying how he’s been working to keep himself sounding so calm. “Please.” 

Chris turns onto his back and reaches a hand up to press against Darren’s cheek, feeling the stubble rough there. He reaches his head up and presses their mouths together quickly, like Darren won’t see that he’s crying if he’s fast enough. 

Darren’s hand cups the back of his head, relieving the tension of the position for Chris, and draws Chris’s lower lip between his own. It’s a slow back and forth of pressure and wetness and suction, impossibly gentle and improbably patient considering how emotional they’re both feeling at the moment. 

When Darren pulls out of the kiss, Chris tries to chase his mouth, craving more from him. Darren ducks away from it and puts his head on Chris’s shoulder, arms wrapping tight around Chris. He’s shaking just a little and for the first time Chris doesn’t think before being the one to offer comfort, taking one deep, shuddering breath after another. One hand rubs circles over Darren’s shoulders while the other strokes through his hair. 

He doesn’t have the faintest idea what is going through Darren’s mind right now. He could play Darren’s own tricks on him, ask him to talk and share, harp on communication... He doesn’t, though. Chris thinks they’ve both done enough digging today, so he just holds Darren instead.

*

Justin texts when he’s twenty minutes away, giving Chris and Darren time to put themselves back together and get dressed. Chris slips off to the bathroom to wash his face and try to repair the damage to his hair. When he gets back, Darren is texting. “Joey’s cool with you staying over as long as we pick up pizza on our way.” 

“Good,” Chris says, grabbing a bag and putting in clothes for the next day. He risks a sidelong glance at Darren and then opens his mouth. “Are you sure about-”

Darren looks up and says, “Yes.” 

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.” 

Darren shrugs. “If it’s you, if it’s about us, then I don’t need to know. You just need to know that I’m sure.” 

*

Joey not only doesn’t mind Chris staying over, but he enlists Chris’s help looking over an essay for a class that he’s only barely managing a C in. 

Chris curls up against Darren on the couch and proofs the paper while Darren flips through tv stations, whining when Darren’s ability to sit still wanes and he abandons Chris to grab his guitar. That’s almost as nice, though. 

Truthfully, he doesn’t mind having something to focus on. Editing the paper is mindless and distracting in a nice way, distracting from thoughts without taking away from the fact that he’s here where he wants to be. 

Chris stretches out on his end of the couch and Darren sits on the floor in front of him playing and singing along softly. Every few minutes Chris reaches out just to touch Darren, proving to himself that Darren is right there, as reactive and responsive as always. 

“I love your hair,” Chris admits during a quiet lull between verses. Darren lets his head roll back and forth over the cushion while Chris tugs fingers through Darren’s curls. 

“Damn skippy you do,” Darren says. “My hair is like the essence of me. You don’t love me, it’s just the hair. Darren is merely a shell, a pedestal upon which the hair can rest.” 

Chris laughs and leans down to kiss the top of Darren’s head. “You are weird.” 

Darren leans his head as far back as he can and gives Chris an upside-down smile. “But you love me.” 

“Yeah.” Chris breathes in and out, even, calming. He puts Joey’s paper down and stretches out completely so that his face is close to Darren’s, just at different angles. They’ve been dating for just over a month, and spent two weeks of that apart. It’s ridiculously too soon to be saying this in his mind, but for once he doesn’t let himself linger long enough to talk himself out of saying it. “I think I do.” 

Darren’s mouth forms a perfect ‘o’ and then he smiles that eye-crinkling smile. Not the big bright as the sun one, not the fake putting on for people one, not the polite best behavior one... but the most genuine of the genuinely _happy_ ones. “Good. Because I think I do, too.” 

Well, Darren leaves that one wide open. “You love you? Oh, I know you do. You’re a master at self-love.” 

“I’m trying to be romantic.” Darren reaches up and tries to hit Chris on the arm but winds up tapping his thigh instead. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” Chris whispers it, fully this time, meeting the challenge head on. He’s not at all as intimidated by the words as he thought he’d be. They’re just words after all, and they’re words for a feeling he’s already let himself become comfortable with. He spent months falling in love with Darren, and apparently by some strange happenstance, Darren is giving off all the right indications that he spent months falling in love, too. Maybe he needs to trust this, trust them, and the rest will be a little bit easier to handle. 

They kiss - or try to, but they’re both in the wrong angles for it and their lips mash together oddly. “Spiderman kiss,” Darren grins, and licks at Chris’s lip before he turns back away, popping his neck loudly after having held the awkward position. 

Chris lets one hand drop to Darren’s shoulder and stay there, playing with the sleeve of his tank top while he picks Joey’s paper back up and starts to read again.


End file.
